Where I am, where I want to go.

After a lifetime of obesity I have decided to do all I can to get bariatric surgery, or more specifically gastric bypass surgery and a friend suggested that rather than just show up in a year 100lbs lighter, I start a blog to record my journey.

I have never been thin. I have been smaller and less obese, but never thin. Until recently I wasn't experiencing really any health issues because of my obesity, but that changed when I found out that I had a herniated disc in my back (plus two bulging discs). The accompanying pain kept me out of the gym, and left me with a fear of working out because of the constant pain. I slowly gained back all of the weight that I had worked so hard to lose during college and afterwards. Soon I hadn't just gained back all of the weight that I had lost, but another 20lbs also. Now I feel awful. Not only am I growing out of all of my clothing, but I have these memories of looking in the mirror and liking what I was seeing and feeling like an utter loser for gaining it all back. My knees hurt, my back hurts, I am constantly exhausted and almost afraid to eat anything. I would like nothing more than to go into a regular clothing store and be able to try clothing on and have something fit. I don't remember a time that I was able to do that, and be any size smaller than XL or XXL. I am not doing this surgery because I want to be thin and sexy, but because I want to bea healthy. I'm not healthy right now, and I am also not living. I can't have kids until I lose this weight, I feel constatly self conscious and don't want to go out, I don't like having pictures of me taken, and I've started wearing PJ pants all day because they are looser than jean.

I am not fat because I am lazy. No I am not a body builder and could do a lot more towards losing weight--I will have to do a lot more before I am able to have the surgery, as they force you to lose weight before to decrease the risk of a fatty liver getting in the way of the surgery. Having this surgery and getting your insurance company to pay for it is hard work. With the supoort of my husband and family I know I can do it. I have wanted this surgery since I was a teenager. I think a lot of my weight issues are heriditary. I have a past history of abuse, and turning to food for comfort, but I have never had a good metablism. Losing any weight in college took an extreme diet change to almost no carbs and constant salad and exercising daily. It was a lot of work with very slow results.

I went to my doctor today to discuss this surgery, and he immediately noted how enthusiastic I was, and how much I really obviously wanted to have this. He is the one that made this dream seem like it could be reality since he himself recently had the same surgery. My aunt had the surgery in December, and it has changed her life. Having these supportive people who have gone through this has made a huge difference.

I can't wait to look in a mirror and see me minus the fat suit that I have been stuck in my entire life. I want to see the person that I feel that I am on the inside looking back at me. I will have to learn to deal with what I have been hiding behind all of my life, but I can't wait to start this journey.

Next Steps:

Call and join the next possible seminar

Go get sleep study done

Get heart halter done and schedule a complete physical

Talk to Dr about different surgeons, since I don't think the one that he had even takes my insurance anymore.