depression

I've been really depressed lately. Not having friends around and having (it seems) all of my friends from college have babies is wearing on me. I know 15 women at least that have had babies in the last year, and while I know it isn't my time, it still hurts. I have good days, I have bad days. I have days where I just want to sleep all day. Medicine you ask me? Well it allows me to have some good days. Nothing seems to give me the result I want--helping me to become the person I know is inside. Just like I want to remove to fat suit and come out a smaller, healthier person; I want to remove the depression and come out a happier calmer person. After having some really bad experiences with medicine, I'm constantly on edge about what medicine will do to me.

I question if I should have children. Do I really want to pass on this hellish depression? I'm not even motivated enough to find a hobby or a passion. My biggest fear is losing it and ending up in a hospital. Losing my touch with reality...ending up as emotionally messed up as my mother and her sisters. I love them both which makes it so much harder to watch what they go through.

Religion doesn't work as a crutch for me since no matter how much I want to believe, I can't. I miss being young and idealistic! I miss wanting to save the world, now I just wonder what the point is.

I watched LA Ink last night and this woman got a tattoo of a clock pointing to 13 o'clock with an infinity symbol. She said that she realized that it would never be 13 o'clock and she needed to stop saying that she would do things 'later' and do them now. She changed her life and thats why she got the tattoo. I like the symbolism, and will think about it when I make excuses for not doing stuff....

Opinions?

to do:

figure out meaning of life