Next Step

The next step in trying to get my insurance to pay for my surgery is to have a sleep study. My mother has narcolepsy and I found out that I might as well. I don't really randomly fall asleep like you would think, but I have been tired basically my entire life! I go in next week and I might have to also stay for a 'nap study.' More updates later :)

Aaron bought me a Wii Fit and I have been working out on that. No, it isn't going to the gym and having your ass kicked by a trainer, but I am up and moving which is the most important thing. I'm thinking of also going to work out with a trainer, but as always, I am terrified of hurting my back.

Tomorrow I have a job interview for a nannying job out here. I think that getting out of the house and interacting/ not being bored constantly will be great for me. The money wouldn't hurt either!

Updates forthcoming!!

depression

I've been really depressed lately. Not having friends around and having (it seems) all of my friends from college have babies is wearing on me. I know 15 women at least that have had babies in the last year, and while I know it isn't my time, it still hurts. I have good days, I have bad days. I have days where I just want to sleep all day. Medicine you ask me? Well it allows me to have some good days. Nothing seems to give me the result I want--helping me to become the person I know is inside. Just like I want to remove to fat suit and come out a smaller, healthier person; I want to remove the depression and come out a happier calmer person. After having some really bad experiences with medicine, I'm constantly on edge about what medicine will do to me.

I question if I should have children. Do I really want to pass on this hellish depression? I'm not even motivated enough to find a hobby or a passion. My biggest fear is losing it and ending up in a hospital. Losing my touch with reality...ending up as emotionally messed up as my mother and her sisters. I love them both which makes it so much harder to watch what they go through.

Religion doesn't work as a crutch for me since no matter how much I want to believe, I can't. I miss being young and idealistic! I miss wanting to save the world, now I just wonder what the point is.

I watched LA Ink last night and this woman got a tattoo of a clock pointing to 13 o'clock with an infinity symbol. She said that she realized that it would never be 13 o'clock and she needed to stop saying that she would do things 'later' and do them now. She changed her life and thats why she got the tattoo. I like the symbolism, and will think about it when I make excuses for not doing stuff....

Opinions?

to do:

figure out meaning of life

Cholesterol and

I went to the Dr today to follow up on the sinus infection and find out some of my lab results. I'm not happy with my weight--it keeps going up, even though I was super active at my parents house. It obviously didn't help that I was taking steroids at the time. I am happy that my cholesterol has dropped from a not healthy 199 to a normal 177 (they look for 170-175 so I'm in the good zone). I definitely had upped the consumption of good oil like olive oil and tried to cut out the bad oil. I am trying to cut down on red meat because calling it fat and cholesterol loaded is an understatement. I don't really get why my weight keeps going up though.

Instead of fasting for Ramadan I am cutting out soda from my diet. I don't drink it at home too much, but almost always get it, or something sugar laden when I am out. We are also cutting back on eating out. I had lunch with Aaron today, but it was a sandwich, not something terribly unhealthy.

The lab moved my sleep study to next Tuesday. I have filled out most of the paperwork having to do with going to the bariatric seminar.

I am worried that the bariatric surgeon is going to see that I am young and do not have high blood pressure and cholesterol and completely write me off. I would have lost 150lbs already if I could on my own!

My parents (or at least my dad) are coming over Labor Day weekend! Hurray! I also changed my last name to Ward finally! I'm waiting for my new social security card to be able to get a new license/registration.

To do:

-Get a pass to the 24/7 gym

-sleep study next week

-finish filling out paperwork

-licence/registration

-deal with VA vehicle tax--next year or this year? call!

paperwork!!

Sorry for the delay, I was at my parents house in Ohio. Apparently getting married really helped our relationship, and I had a great time there. I came home early because I really missed Aaron, but I'm planning on returning next month.

Before I left I scheduled myself to attend a weight loss seminar at Pittsburg UPMC St. Margarets. My doctor recommended it, and they sent me a ton of paperwork to fill out. I'm working on filling it out, but I almost feel like I haven't got enough wrong with me yet to get this surgery! Do I have to be on my deathbed to qualify for this surgery?!

When I went to get the holter monitor off, I also got a physical. I had been having issues breathing and it turned out all of that post operative drip down my throat caused me to get a lung/sinus infection. They gave me steroids and anti biotics and feel a bit better. I still have these awful headaches, and not sure what is causing them.

I thought my kitten would hate me because I was gone, but he has been super lovie, and laying on my chest/shoulder and purring so I think I have been forgiven!

To Do:

Finish paperwork

Get physical results

re-do pulmonary test now that I can breathe?

Holter Moniter and other updates

Today I went to the Dr's and got a holter monitor. It is this heart monitor that records basically...everything. I've had heart palpitation issues most of my life...feels basically like there is a fluttering in my chest or that suddenly there is no air left in my lungs. If they do find something wrong, like mitrovalve prolapse, which my mother has, it will be just one more step towards the surgery. Because of the device I'm wearing, I can't talk on my cell phone or use the microwave for 24 hours. I made my mom call and schedule for me to go to the seminar on gastric bypass to get that started. We shall see!! Still optimistic!

Molly shared a soup recipe with me yesterday that has a ton of protein but is relatively low in calories and fat. I think I will try to make it when I get back from Ohio.

On another note, I was up really late last night because the cats decided to wage war...again. Ever since we moved into this new house Henry has become super SUPER territorial and follows the other cat around. It only happens after we turn the lights off though! During the day, 99% of the time they won't fight. It is weird. In the end I had to lock Henry in the basement with food/water and had kit upstairs. He of course stole my entire side of the bed so when I finally did get to sleep it was in a weird position. I got a kitten in hopes that he would sleep with me, but instead he sleeps with my husband and makes the fat cat sleep on my side. Oh the unfairness of life!

To do:

Get WV licence

Get Library card so I can get audio books for trip to OH with mom

Schedule physical

fill out paperwork when I get it.

Where I am, where I want to go.

After a lifetime of obesity I have decided to do all I can to get bariatric surgery, or more specifically gastric bypass surgery and a friend suggested that rather than just show up in a year 100lbs lighter, I start a blog to record my journey.

I have never been thin. I have been smaller and less obese, but never thin. Until recently I wasn't experiencing really any health issues because of my obesity, but that changed when I found out that I had a herniated disc in my back (plus two bulging discs). The accompanying pain kept me out of the gym, and left me with a fear of working out because of the constant pain. I slowly gained back all of the weight that I had worked so hard to lose during college and afterwards. Soon I hadn't just gained back all of the weight that I had lost, but another 20lbs also. Now I feel awful. Not only am I growing out of all of my clothing, but I have these memories of looking in the mirror and liking what I was seeing and feeling like an utter loser for gaining it all back. My knees hurt, my back hurts, I am constantly exhausted and almost afraid to eat anything. I would like nothing more than to go into a regular clothing store and be able to try clothing on and have something fit. I don't remember a time that I was able to do that, and be any size smaller than XL or XXL. I am not doing this surgery because I want to be thin and sexy, but because I want to bea healthy. I'm not healthy right now, and I am also not living. I can't have kids until I lose this weight, I feel constatly self conscious and don't want to go out, I don't like having pictures of me taken, and I've started wearing PJ pants all day because they are looser than jean.

I am not fat because I am lazy. No I am not a body builder and could do a lot more towards losing weight--I will have to do a lot more before I am able to have the surgery, as they force you to lose weight before to decrease the risk of a fatty liver getting in the way of the surgery. Having this surgery and getting your insurance company to pay for it is hard work. With the supoort of my husband and family I know I can do it. I have wanted this surgery since I was a teenager. I think a lot of my weight issues are heriditary. I have a past history of abuse, and turning to food for comfort, but I have never had a good metablism. Losing any weight in college took an extreme diet change to almost no carbs and constant salad and exercising daily. It was a lot of work with very slow results.

I went to my doctor today to discuss this surgery, and he immediately noted how enthusiastic I was, and how much I really obviously wanted to have this. He is the one that made this dream seem like it could be reality since he himself recently had the same surgery. My aunt had the surgery in December, and it has changed her life. Having these supportive people who have gone through this has made a huge difference.

I can't wait to look in a mirror and see me minus the fat suit that I have been stuck in my entire life. I want to see the person that I feel that I am on the inside looking back at me. I will have to learn to deal with what I have been hiding behind all of my life, but I can't wait to start this journey.

Next Steps:

Call and join the next possible seminar

Go get sleep study done

Get heart halter done and schedule a complete physical

Talk to Dr about different surgeons, since I don't think the one that he had even takes my insurance anymore.